Why do you think the perps are doing this to you?

Monday, October 27, 2008

The Rena I Knew

The Rena I Knew

I do not normally bond with people very easily; however, when I first met Rena at the San Jose TI support group I felt a bond with her nearly instantaneously.  I cared very much for her even though we had just met.  Altogether, I only knew her for about 7 weeks, but how long does it take for one to develop deep feelings of caring, compassion, concern, and affection for another person?

The Rena I knew was of a person possessing a very healing presence.  She spoke and interacted with genuine compassion and feeling.  As a TI for roughly 4 years now, I have developed a great hunger for the milk of human kindness, to once again simply experience the luxury of interacting with a fellow human being on a soulful level without fear of being deceived, humiliated, or otherwise made to feel upset.  Rena provided that kindness for me, and I did all I could to give it back to her.

During the TI support group meetings, Rena would often become tearful as a result of the pain and cruelty inflicted upon her by the DEW and OS.  In spite of this, she never had any harsh words for those responsible for it.  She only expressed a desire to communicate with them and to understand why they were doing it.

Rena was the type of soul that this world desperately needed.  She had a heart full of love, goodness, and an unflinching desire to help others.  As a manifestation of her character, she earned a Master's Degree in Social Work at the University of Minnesota.  As part of her training, she had worked crisis phone lines herself, dealing with suicidal individuals and counseling them away from suicide and towards life.  In the end, neither her own knowledge and training in dealing with these situations or my apparently weak attempts to support her made any difference in her situation.  Her pain, she must have believed, was simply too great for her to go on.

When I heard the news of her suicide, I had what I would call a breakdown of sorts, cried for hours, lamented my loss, and called in sick to work the whole next week.  Since returning to work, I have gone home early three times as a direct result of my grief and pain.  On those days that I have been able to complete my work shift, I have cried at some point during that shift, usually towards the end when I have become tired and my defenses have been worn down by my night-long battle against the hurt and devastation of having lost someone extremely important to me.

The only thing that gives me comfort and keeps me sane is the belief that she is now being tended to and cared for by our Lord and Savior, Jesus.


Rachael O. said...

why have you stopped blogging? If you are genuine and it sounds like you are, your postings are very good. TI's need to hear about these things and non TI's need to see more of our numbers- just keep in mind that perps can and will read what you post so be prepped for them to try to use your blog for thier pathetic intel gathering. Just be mindful thats all. Please dont stop expressing yourself. TI's die, this is a reality of our situation. These are not normal circumstances...this is covert war. It is a war and there will be casualties. I may be one someday and so may you but while we are living we MUST leave as much info to not only prove our validity to the present but to leave a story for the future, where people will take such pity on us and have the greatest respect for your efforts...if they do not just deny our existence forever into the future. Even then we must leave some sort of record. Back up your blog, even print it out on paper if need be. Who knows if the internet will be around forever? For all you and I know this info will be lost in future..the perps would love that.
Define who you are through your writing and let the world know you exist, you are real, and that we are being driven to our deaths.
We need writers like you..who are very expressive. That bastard in the NY times article who tried to say all people making claims of mind control were suffering a collective delusion...we NEED people who sound sensible to counter that b*llshit.
Yes, I am intolerant and aggressive. I am warlike in my activism, but every TI brings something to the table. I resemble a researcher, a detective, a soldier, and another TI may be more of a diplomat or an overt activist that does more hands on or contacting or networking.
Find your style ( you already have one by the way) and please keep writing.
Thanks, R-

Anonymous said...

This is a beautiful post. I have read it a few times. What's worrisome, however, is that this kind of person (Rena) should be able to handle these kinds of attacks best. Wasn't she a born again Christian? If they can get her to lose her faith and take her own life they can attack anyone.

Sometimes I believe I'm actually dead and this is some kind of high tech cushy version of Hell where you are fooled into believing you are still living. It's like a place where they would put offenders who were "less evil" but still merited eternal punishment, sans the fire and demons...or, maybe this is the worst punishment, seeing what passes for life all around you and not being able to participate at all. In this scenario, "other people" are really demons playing their part along with "family members" "friends" and even other ti's.

It's been so long since I've had a real relationship with another (the few I've had)and felt real human concern towards me, I wonder. I drift in a cold, merciless world that feels more and more like eternal damnation than life on Earth. Even the love of God in His Word cannot penetrate it. It's like living in a refrigerator. Either I'm dead and this whole thing is a setup by the devil to fool me, or more likely, it's the evil times.

People are so mechanized and COLD. All I see aside from the smirks and skits and murmured insults are people frantically "thumbing" on their handheld devices or looking at the Web on their phones/devices. Everywhere I go the people I meet and even the people that I (used) to know have been swallowed up by the perp monster. Places I used to go to escape my hell have now all been filled with infiltrators and/or people turned into perps. People have become machines...frightening dumbed-down medicated machines...If these are not the End Times I do not know when they will be.

Alana said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Back Up Against The Wall said...

Thank you Rachael, Downcastmysoul, and Alana (I have not made any videos) for your nice comments. The last few months have been hardgoing for me. Dealing with the suicide of Rena has dragged me down hard. The organized stalkers softened me up quite a bit, but Rena's suicide on top of everything else has torn me up on the inside, so no posting.

I am truly flattered by your comments though. I follow Rachel's and DCMS's blogs with regularity, and I find them both well written.

I will try to post some more, but I can't guarantee much quality anymore.

I take comfort in knowing and believing that the satanic people responsible for this will be roasting in hell some day.

Again, I will try to post some more in the not too distant future.

You all take care of yourselves.

Medawar said...

You might be interested in the latest post on Medawar's blog:
which is about "communitarianism" and its potential for disaster.